All children are different. Some children are very active and like talking to people and trying new things. These children are often called extroverts. Other children are quieter, smile and laugh less, and do not look for new experiences. These children are called introverted or shy.
What is typical?
Being shy is not usually a problem. Many children are shy at times. Here’s what you might expect:
- Young children. They might be shy when meeting a friend of their parent or talking to a store clerk. They might hide behind their parent at a new playground.
- Students. They might be shy when meeting new people at school.
Shyness may stop a child from doing something at first, but it should not keep them from doing everyday activities. Older shy children should still be able to talk to people at family events, school, and with friends.
When should I be concerned?
Parents should worry if shyness stops their child from doing everyday activities, having fun or interacting with others. This is called excessive shyness. It makes the child stay quiet and keep to themselves, missing out on learning and playing.
For example, if a child starts at a new school, it is normal for them to be shy at first. They should get used to the new place in a few days or weeks. If they do not, they might have excessive shyness.
Excessive shyness can make children scared of social situations. They worry about what others think. This fear makes it hard for them to speak in class, meet new people, talk on the phone, or even eat in front of others. They might also get headaches and stomach aches. Younger children might have Selective Mutism, where they cannot talk around certain people or in certain places.
Signs of excessive shyness include:
- Feeling very worried, nervous, or upset when with people or talking to them
- Avoiding being with people or talking to them because of worry or nervousness
- Feeling worried around teachers or other important people
- Avoiding situations where people could watch them do something like eating, writing, or playing sports
- Worrying about “looking stupid” or doing something foolish in front of others
- Feeling things in their body like a fast heartbeat, shaking, sweating, hard to breathe, or stomach pain when with people or talking to them
What can I do to help?
As a caregiver, you can try these things to help your child with excessive shyness:
- Talk to your child. Ask how they feel without judging them. Let them know you want to understand their feelings.
- Listen. Some reasons for being shy may seem silly to adults, but they are real to kids. Listen and understand before offering solutions.
- Give time. Let your child get used to new situations. Encourage them to interact but do not force them. Pressure can make them more anxious.
- Create positive interactions. Arrange playdates or activities with kids they feel comfortable with. Good experiences can help them feel better.
- Role play. Practice new or scary situations with your child. This helps them learn how to say hello, make eye contact, and talk confidently.
- Acknowledge progress. Praise your child when they make efforts. Positive feedback can help them overcome shyness.
- Prevent avoidance. Do not let your child avoid social situations. This can make their shyness worse.
What kind of professional support can I seek out?
It is normal for caregivers to feel worried if their child is very shy. There is help available to overcome your child’s shyness.
There are several types of professionals you can talk to if you have concerns, including a school counsellor and your child’s paediatrician or family doctor. They can refer you to other specialists, like mental health professionals. Mental health professionals work with children directly and can also work with caregivers so they can support their children better.
Public services are also available at your local clinic.
When looking for affordable services, it may also be helpful to explore local non-governmental organisations which offer services to families.
Local universities may offer services to the public as part of professional training programmes.
Please don’t give up if you don’t have success in your first attempts at getting help. Go back to the services listed above and look at our online list for additional resources or support. Your child is worth the effort.
Where to find more information
For detailed information on mental health conditions, visit our guides for health professionals.