Being apart from a caregiver can be a stressful experience for some children. To them, the world is new, exciting, but also scary. They depend on their caregivers to feel safe and learn how to handle new experiences.
Young children, in particular, often feel scared when they are away from a trusted adult. This is called separation fears or separation anxiety.
What is typical?
Almost all children between 6 months and 3 years old cry and cling to their caregivers if they leave, even for a short while. Babies do not understand time well, so they may think their parent is gone forever when they leave the room. This anxious phase usually ends by age 3. Young children may also:
- Have trouble going from their caregiver’s arms to another adult.
- Have problems saying goodbye at school drop-off.
- Have difficulty going to sleep and ask for the caregiver to stay in the room.
When should I be concerned?
A little fear of being apart from a caregiver is normal, even for older children. Older kids can usually separate with just a bit of emotional support. However, some signs show a child might have excessive separation fear:
For younger children:
- Crying or having tantrums when the caregiver leaves the room.
- Clinging in new situations.
- Following the caregiver around the home.
- Waking up and crying at night.
- Not wanting to go to sleep without a parent nearby.
- Refusing to go to kindergarten/school to stay by the caregiver.
- Complaining about headaches, stomach aches, or feeling sick when separating.
For older children:
- Worrying that something bad will happen to a family member when apart.
- Constantly needing to know where the caregiver is and staying in touch by phone or texting.
- Frequent stomach aches, headaches, or other pains.
- Having nightmares about bad things happening to family or themselves.
- Feeling safe only at home and not wanting to go to school, which can cause school problems or feeling lonely.
- Not wanting to go to camp, sleep at friends’ homes, or run errands.
What can I do to help?
As caregivers know their children best, they can try several things to help:
- Encourage your child to face their fears. Support your child in trying new things, avoid too much criticism, and help them do activities even if they feel scared.
- Ask school staff to help. Work with school staff if your child struggles with going to school. When your child is ready to go back, prepare well to avoid issues.
- Gently practice separation. Start by leaving your child with another trusted adult for a short time and slowly increase the time and distance. Do the same at night by staying close when saying goodnight and then gradually moving further away.
- Teach your child about fear. Explain that being apart can be scary, but the things we fear usually do not happen. Facing fears can help them go away over time. Explain that their physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches are caused by anxiety.
- Avoid rushing to rescue. While it’s natural to want to help, stepping in too quickly can make fears worse over time. Encourage independence instead.
What kind of professional support can I seek out?
It is normal for caregivers to feel worried if their child has a lot of separation fears. If you are worried about your child’s separation fears, there is help available.
There are several types of professionals you can talk to if you have concerns, including a school counsellor and your child’s paediatrician or family doctor. They can refer you to other specialists, like mental health professionals.
Mental health professionals work with children directly and can also work with caregivers so they can support their children better.
Public services are also available at your local clinic.
When looking for affordable services, it may also be helpful to explore local non-governmental organisations which offer services to families.
Local universities may offer services to the public as part of professional training programmes.
Please don’t give up if you don’t have success in your first attempts at getting help. Go back to the services listed above and look at our online list for additional resources or support. Your child is worth the effort.
Where to find more information
For detailed information on mental health conditions, visit our guides for health professionals.