All children sometimes have trouble following rules or get upset. After all, rules are made to be broken, and we all get upset sometimes. However, some children have more frequent and intense problems with these behaviours. They may often feel angry or irritable and act out by not listening to adults or annoying others on purpose. These behaviours can be challenging for caregivers and may lead to conflicts at home or school. It’s important to understand that these actions are not always intentional and may be a sign that the child needs help. With the right support, children can learn to manage their emotions and behaviours better.
What is typical?
It’s normal for kids and teens to sometimes break rules or get upset. Younger children usually follow rules more, but older kids and teens might test limits at home or school. This is a part of growing up. Even some aggressive actions are normal. For example, toddlers might hit when they are upset because they want something right away. It’s also common for young kids to argue over small things on the playground. These behaviours usually don’t happen in other situations and are a normal part of development.
- By age 3: Children may start to test boundaries by saying “no” or refusing to share toys.
- Between ages 4 and 5: Children might argue with siblings or friends but can be redirected with guidance.
- By age 6: Children begin to understand rules better and can follow them with reminders.
- Between ages 7 and 8: Children may occasionally talk back to adults but usually understand the consequences of their actions.
- By age 9: Children can follow rules at home and school, though they might still argue with peers.
- Between ages 10 and 12: Pre-teens may test limits more as they seek independence but can be reasoned with.
- By age 13 and 14: Teens might challenge authority but can understand and discuss rules and consequences.
When should I be concerned?
There are several signs that show a child may be having difficulties with following rules or getting along with others. These signs can be different based on the child’s age.
- Being easily irritated: The child may get upset over small things.
- Losing their temper quickly: The child may have frequent outbursts of anger.
- Arguing with adults: The child may often argue with parents, teachers, or other authority figures.
- Refusing to follow rules: The child may ignore or break rules on purpose.
- Acting out verbally or physically: The child may yell, hit, or act aggressively.
- Not feeling sorry after causing trouble: The child may not show remorse for their actions.
- Blaming others for mistakes: The child may not take responsibility for their actions.
- Annoying others on purpose: The child may do things to bother or upset others intentionally.
- Feeling angry or irritable: The child may often feel angry or hold onto anger for a long time.
What can I do to help?
As a caregiver, remaining patient and supportive of a child with these difficulties is key. Here are some things you can try:
- Be a role model. Show good behaviour by staying calm and using a soothing voice. Children learn by watching adults.
- Be supportive. Let your child know you notice their behaviour and are there to help. Listen to them without trying to solve everything right away.
- Talk about it. Ask your child simple questions to understand what’s bothering them. This can help them express their feelings.
- Stick to the rules. Don’t let your child think they can break rules without consequences. Consistency helps them understand boundaries.
- Explain consequences. Be consistent with rules and outcomes. Make sure your child knows what will happen if they break a rule.
- Praise good behaviour. Recognise when your child follows the rules or behaves well. Positive reinforcement encourages them to repeat good behaviour.
- Teach problem-solving. Help your child find other ways to deal with problems. Encourage them to think of solutions and try them out.
What kind of professional support can I seek out?
Do not feel embarrassed to ask for help.
Talk to your child’s paediatrician or family doctor. They can refer you to other specialists, such as mental health professionals.
Mental health professionals can help both the child and the caregivers. They can work with you to support your child at home and in therapy.
Public services are also available at your local clinic.
When looking for affordable services, it may also be helpful to explore local non-governmental organisations which offer services to families.
Local universities may offer services to the public as part of professional training programmes.
Please don’t give up if you don’t have success in your first attempts at getting help. Go back to the services listed above and look at our online list for additional resources or support. Your child is worth the effort.
Where to find more information
For detailed information on mental health conditions, visit our guides for health professionals.